omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
