The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
