Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
