i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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