Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
