Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
