I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
