i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
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