I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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