my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
