i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
