I skipped work to stalk him.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
