we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
i came on her dog
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
