I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
