I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
