i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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