I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
