Can i not drive my cunt home
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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