You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
