my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Randomize
