Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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