great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
