my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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