FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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