My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Fuck appropriateness.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
