wanna go halves on a baby?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Randomize
