So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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