I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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