Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
