got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
You need Xanax blowdarts
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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