I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
