FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
