I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize