omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
