if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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