I'm eating all of the evidence.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
