Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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