There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
