so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
