Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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