why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
