did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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