we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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