all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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