you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
