I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
