haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
just come out here and I will go home with you...
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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