i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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