we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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