I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
