just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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