so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
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