I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
