apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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