My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
