I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
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