and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
