He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
