you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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