She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
