Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
