he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Boobs speak an international language.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
