i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
