Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
