Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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