I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
