my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
