he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
