I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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